Real life dilemma - your parents won’t leave you alone
A friend of mine is happily married, but is made to feel guilty for spending time in her new home, with her new husband and her new life and not with her parents and younger sister (who still lives at home).
She has finally decided that seeing her parents once a week is sufficient, and has made every effort to make this weekly meeting on the same night every week so that all everyone involved can book that time exclusively for this. A mutual date was agreed upon, but the parents keep cancelling the date and then complaining that their daughter is unable to make time for them. My friend has suggested that another day and time be chosen, but her parents agree that this is the best time for them.
Who is at fault (if anyone)? How can my friend maintain peace in her family?
August 11th, 2007 at 2:14 am
I think she should ditch the SET day meeting, and go at random when she can. They probably feel a bit hurt and feel that she’ll only go see them because it’s planned, and she HAS to go.
It’s not like she should just show up at the door unannounced - that way she’ll risk a wasted trip if they’re not home etc. Just a phone call to see if they’re home, say she wants to come over for a visit etc should suffice.
If they want to see her so badly they won’t mind this.
August 13th, 2007 at 8:03 am
Obviously I don’t know all of the details, but the best broad advice I can give is that her family needs to cut the apron strings and accept that she has formed a new family and needs to put her time and energy into her husband. She should make time for her parents, but it sounds like they’re being manipulative and passive-aggressive with their set time.
She may need to tell them that of course she loves them but things have changed as they naturally should with marriage.
Note: I’m not a counselor or relationship expert, but I do have some really good in-laws who have never done this kind of thing to my wife and I.
August 13th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Wow. Sounds like they need to let go. And grow up. If anything, them acting like that will drive her away and they’ll get ZERO “dates” with her. I can’t imagine what they’ll be like when she has kids. Poor her.
August 14th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Sounds like the ole guilt trip if I ever heard one. They’ll get over it. Lots of people have a set day to spend with family. That’s more than sufficient.
August 14th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Denise - Knowing her parents I don’t think they’d mind the unplanned visits. I bet they’d think she doesn’t make enough unannounced visits though!
Eric - I agree with you and I think what is missing is that talk with her parents. As it is now, she has assumed that her parents would get this (and to be honest most would), but maybe a frank talk would clear the air.
Shannon - Good point about kids. That is why I have told her that she needs to spell out how things will be from now on.
Dave - yes, this is definitely an guilt trip. And my friend is quite susceptible as this is how her family has always operated.