Real life dilemma - the fine line between interfering and being a concerned friend
A friend of mine, Jane*, has a very close friend (Julia*) that is practically like family. Julia is engaged in self destructive behaviour. Jane is a self-described passive person who avoids conflict whenever possible and does not like to invade the privacy of others. However, she has shared concerns about Julia with me, and wanted to know how I would react to some of the situations she has witnessed Julia engaging in.
I was surprised with the laid back attitude that was being taken by Jane to the situation, and I told her this. We are not talking about somebody who is engaging in behaviour that I am against because it is a matter of preference, this is self destructive behaviour, behaviour that could be destructive to Julia’s family also. While Jane’s philosophy is “I can’t really stop her from behaving the way she wants”, and I agree, I do feel that as someone who is practically a member of Julia’s family, Jane’s obligation runs far deeper than doing her best to cover up Julia’s actions while she is with Julia. What about when Julia is alone with her family? Shouldn’t this behaviour be reported to the authorities or organizations created to help with this sort of behaviour? Jane is uneasy about this idea because of her feelings about not invading the privacy of others.
What do you think Jane’s obligations are in this situation?
*Names changed to protect the guilty
August 17th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
If Julia’s behavior could cause her harm or someone else harm, Jane should address the issue first with Julia and then if needed with her family. Julia may not like what Jane says, but Jane is showing her love for her friend. Jane will feel worse if something happens to Julia while she did nothing to prevent it.
August 21st, 2007 at 8:04 pm
All excuses, but all reasonable things to have on one’s mind. If Jane was to report Julia’s behavior to the proper authorities, many negatives could come from that: What about Julia’s kids? Would other parents let their children associate with them if Julia was reported for her behavior? What about life in a small community, where the entire family’s involvement could be jeapordized. If the family was involved in, say, running a business, their liveliehood could even be jeapordized.
I think that at this point, Jane probably KNOWS something needs to be done. I think that deciding to say something to someone you love fiercely is a terrifying thing. I think that making someone face up to a lifetime worth of mistakes is heartbreaking.
How intelligent and insightful is Jane? Do you think that Jane would allow Julia, who she loves, to continue on with this lifestyle if she didn’t think that Julia or her children were safe?
I recommend that you keep Jane and Julia in your thoughts and prayers… They probably need them regardless of how terrible Julia’s behavior or how passive Jane is being.