Life Tips Daily

For those of you who aren’t familiar with an author named Terry Pratchett, you’d do well to become acquainted with some of his work. He writes what can be called fantasy, parody, humour, satire, philosophy…it all depends what you take from it. He is the man responsible for the infamous Discworld series as well as a number of other works.

I mention him because I want to offer you a series of humorous and sometimes thought-provoking quotations from his Discworld book series.

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant “idiot”.

– (Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic)

- “Pull me up, then,” he hinted.
- “I think that might be sort of difficult,” grunted Twoflower. “I don’t
actually think I can do it, in fact.”
- “What are you holding on to, then?”
- “You.”
- “I mean besides me.”
- “What do you mean, besides you?” said Twoflower.

– (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

- “If you’re going to suggest I try dropping twenty feet down a pitch dark
tower in the hope of hitting a couple of greasy little steps which might
not even still be there, you can forget it,” said Rincewind sharply.
- “There is an alternative, then.”
- “Out with it, man.”
- “You could drop five hundred feet down a pitch black tower and hit stones
which certainly are there,” said Twoflower.
Dead silence from below him. Then Rincewind said, accusingly, “That
was sarcasm.”

– (Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to
(a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

– (Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites)

“It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever,” he
said. “Have you thought of going into teaching?”

– (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

There were a few seconds of total silence as everyone waited to see what
would happen next. And then Nijel uttered the battle cry that Rincewind
would never quite forget to the end of his life. “Erm,” he said, “excuse
me…”

– (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

Of course, Ankh-Morpork’s citizens had always claimed that the river water
was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys,
they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.

– (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

It wasn’t blood in general he couldn’t stand the sight of, it was just his
blood in particular that was so upsetting.

– (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

The Ephebians made wine out of anything they could put in a bucket, and ate
anything that couldn’t climb out of one.

– (Terry Pratchett, Pyramids)

Nature abhors dimensional abnormalities, and seals them neatly away so that
they don’t upset people. Nature, in fact, abhors a lot of things, including
vacuums, ships called the “Marie Celeste”, and the chuck keys for electric
drills.

– (Terry Pratchett, Pyramids)

Lady Ramkin’s bosom rose and fell like an empire.

– (Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!)

- “There’s a door”
- “Where does it go?”
- “It stays where it is, I think.”

– (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

- “So we’re surrounded by absolutely nothing. There’s a word for it. It’s
what you get when there’s nothing left and everything’s been used up.”
- “Yes. I think it’s called the bill.”

– (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of
the dead, and so people only go to hell if that’s where they believe, in
their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won’t do if they
don’t know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot
missionaries on sight.

– (Terry Pratchett, Eric)

By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered
so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold.

– (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

“If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.”

– Popcorn comes to the Discworld
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

“Why’s it called Ming?” said the Archchancellor, on cue.
The Bursar tapped the pot. It went “ming“.

– Discworld archeology revealed
(Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

In retrospect, Victor was always a little unclear about those next few
minutes. That’s the way it goes. The moments that change your life are
the ones that happen suddenly, like the one where you die.

– (Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures)

“Dock-a-loodle-fod!”

– Dyslexic roosters are a sad sight
(Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man)

The Yen Buddhists are the richest religious sect in the universe. They hold
that the accumulation of money is a great evil and a burden to the soul.
They therefore, regardless of personal hazard, see it as their unpleasant
duty to acquire as much as possible in order to reduce the risk to innocent
people.

– (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)

Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because — what with trolls and
dwarfs and so on — speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived
in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

– (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)

“You can’t go around building a better world for people. Only people
can build a better world for people. Otherwise it’s just a cage.”

– (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad)

Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of authority turned.

– (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

“Slave is an Ephebian word. In Om we have no word for slave,” said
Vorbis.
“So I understand,” said the Tyrant. “I imagine that fish have no
word for water.”

– (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

– (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

The Monks of Cool, whose tiny and exclusive monastery is hidden in a really
cool and laid-back valley in the lower Ramtops, have a passing-out test for a
novice. He is taken into a room full of all types of clothing and asked: Yo,
my son, which of these is the most stylish thing to wear? And the correct
answer is: Hey, whatever I select.

– (Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies)

If the Creator had said, “Let there be light” in Ankh-Morpork, he’d have
gotten no further because of all the people saying “What colour?”

– (Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms)

More to come later, that’s all for now folks! If you like what you’ve read, check out the Discworld series on amazon or pick some up from your local library and give them a read.