I apologize - the art of saying you’re sorry
We have all done something that was out of line, unexpected and that required an apology from us. An apology is an expression of regret for an occurrence, usually caused by the person apologizing. Apologies also involve an admission of some sort to go along wtih the expression of regret.
I have given good and bad apologies in my life and have received the same. Here are some things to keep in mind when apologizing:
Be genuine
Nothing rankles more than an apology that is not meant, that is thrown out because it was ordered. I hesitate to say “don’t apologize unless you mean it” since that means a lot of people would be waiting for a long time to hear an apology. Instead, if an apology is being “forced” or requested, think about it: if you really do not think you can apologize without the insincereity of your words slapping them in the face, don’t apologize. Save it for when tempers have cooled.
Remove ‘but’ from your apology vocabulary
Do not ever include the word “but” in an apology, especially after the apology: “I’m sorry I called you fat and ugly, but did you have to wear that pink mumu to work today?” is NOT an apology (see the first tip). If you you can’t state what you are apologizing for without implicating the person you’re apologizing to, then you may not ready to apologize. In a lot of cases, an apology with a “but” is just enough fuel to get a fight going again: “Wait, because you don’t like the way I dress you think that gives you a right to call me fat and ugly? Wow, you are really a piece of work. When you came to work last Thursday dressed like a stripper did I say anything? Nope, because I have respect for people unlike you, you…”
Offer to make amends, if possible
In some cases, you may want to ask the person you are apologizing to if there is anything you can do to make things better, or if you know what is required, you can offer to do it. This goes one step further and serves to prove the genuineness of the apology.
Do your part to avoid a repeat of the the circumstance leading to the need for an apology
Once your apology has been said and hopefully accepted, do what you can to ensure that you do not repeat the actions that led to the need for an apology in the first place. If you keep having to apologize for the same thing, no matter how genuine each apology is, it’s going to grow old and you’ll quickly lose credibility as a person of their word.
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What do you do when you want a conflict resolved but don’t want to apologize because you were honestly not at fault? Try apologizing for a part that you feel you were responsible for. For example, if you were fighting with somebody who was wrongly accusing you, and in your fervour to prove yourself right you raised your voice in anger, you can apologize for that. Sometimes your apology will bring reciprocal (yet hopefully genuine!) apologies in return.
What is your apology style?
sorry, apologize, apologise, how to apologize
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May 17th, 2007 at 6:17 am
It’s the hardest thing to apologize but I start off with an SMS or a phone call.
May 17th, 2007 at 7:56 am
I’m a bad apologizer, which makes it fortunate that I’m always right.
I do the but thing, because I always want to get across to the person WHY I did what I did. Like, sorry I was so steamed when I got in the car but you were three hours late! So that might not count as a good apology.
If I have to do a real apology for a big slip up I’ve made, I will typically do it by email followed by a phone call. I don’t deal well in person, so that’s best for me. Plus my thoughts are much more organized in email. I’m better at writing thoughts than I am speaking them. Sigh.