How to be a better listener
If you have ever poured your heart out to a listening ear, only to look up and see that your confidant is otherwise occupied—sending a text message, watching television or actually talking on the phone to somebody else, you have felt the hurt of talking to someone who wasn’t listening to you, and it’s not a good feeling.
When we talk, we like to think people are listening, especially if we’re sharing something that makes us feel vulnerable. Good listeners are perceived as friendly people, the sort of person that people want to befriend. How can you make sure when it’s your turn to listen, you give it your all?
Make a decision to pay attention
This is simple enough: if someone comes to you and asks if you have a minute for them to run something by you, or if an upset friend asks if the two of you can talk, if you decide to say yes, a good listener will realize that they are also making a decision to give that person their full attention. If it’s not a good time for you to listen, don’t say yes—you will only shortchange the person coming to you, and they don’t deserve that.
Eliminate all other distractions
Once the decision has been made to be a listener, you should physically turn to the person and turn off or silence any gadgets that might cause a distraction or intrude in your conversation, including beepers, telephones, and computers. If you need to excuse yourself from other people or your children, do this too. Find yourself a quiet place (or create one) where you will be able to pay attention. Even if you are not speaking face to face with someone, and they have no way of knowing who is in the room with you, it is a good practice to remove distractions and force yourself to focus on the speaker alone.
Gag yourself
It sounds silly perhaps but the best way to listen is by not speaking. Some people find it difficult to listen; they feel the need to interject while somebody is telling a story. If this is you, pretend there is a gag over your mouth and you cannot speak. Commit to listening, encouraging the speaker with a smile or a nod to keep the conversation flowing. Maintain regular eye contact if you’re talking face-to-face: it’s a great way to communicate non-verbally that your attention is focused on the speaker. If you’re speaking on the phone, you may want to make a noise every now and then to show that you’re listening and haven’t fallen asleep!
Rewind and repeat
If you are listening to somebody who would like some feedback from you (because that isn’t always the case!), make sure you will be responding based on the correct understanding of what has been said. If you have to, mentally rewind the conversation and repeat the parts you want to make sure you understood correctly to the speaker. They will appreciate this step as it proves that you were paying attention to what was being shared.
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And that’s it! Listening isn’t easy work but the appreciation that you will get from the recipient of a listening ear is worth the effort made to make sure you’ve done a good job.
listen, listener, good listening skills, how to listen
November 12th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
I agree with you on the idea of really listening to people when they are talking. I have a bad habit of not listening to my kids while I’m trying to work. They know it too because they’ll say, “Mom, you’re not looking at/listening to me!”