Life Tips Daily

In the last entry, I suggested that if you decide to end a friendship, it is possible to do so without turning a former friend into an enemy. This assertion comes with two caveats:

■ the friendship isn’t being ended over a major issue that is considered unforgiveable by one or both parties, such as a difference in morals or core beliefs, an unforgiveable insult or an abusive (physically or mentally/emotionally) relationship

■ you could let the friendship drift away eventually, over years, but have decided that you’d like to be more proactive.

In the latter case, it might seem cruel to make a point of ending the friendship outright, but consider this: if your friendships are well defined, this actually makes it easier for both parties. You won’t be guilty of expecting too much or too little from somebody, nor they from you. You can spend your energy nurturing the friendships that deserve the title, and spend minimial time on relationships that are really more acquaintances than anything.

It sounds a bit cold, I’ll admit, but I’m firmly in favour of knowing where you stand in someone’s eyes, and I have a personal example to explain why:

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I used to think if you voluntarily hung out with the same people several times a week consistently for a number of years, they should be considered good friends. So, I made an effort to know what my friends liked, what their family situations were, and do things to make them know that they were someone other than an acquaintance to me. This was reciprocated by some of the friends but others in that group (total number of people in the group: 5) could not be bothered to remember the name of my siblings or any details of my family life that I shared regularly, or even details about me such as where I went to school or what I studied, even though we started hanging out in university.

After a while of being what I consdered a considerate friend, I decided that I couldn’t see two of these friends as frequently, I could no longer invest this sort of time in a friendship that was not growing as the years went by. So I remained close to the friends in the group who felt similarly about our friendship, and no longer invest as much time or emotions in the friends to whom the friendship did not have the same weight. I can honestly say I feel better for it.

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If, like me, you have decided that you want to distance yourself from a friendship that isn’t working for you, try the following:

1. Talk frankly to your friend, and provide your personal definition of what your expectations of your friendship are.
2. Explain why your current friendship does not work with what you expect or want out of the friendship.
3. Give your friend a chance to define his or her idea of what your relationship is/should be, or defend your current arrangement, if desired.

After these exchanges, you may discover some middle ground or opportunities for compromise. It may turn out that one of you misunderstood the purpose of the friendship and talking it through has clarified this. If so, things may continue the way they’ve been; the only change is that both people are now on the same page with respect to what is expected from the friendship.

If it turns out that you have completely different definitions of what the friendship should be, and both of your desires cannot be met, as long as these differences are expressed or defended respectfully, you should be able to remain good acquaintances.

In the end, honesty is the easiest way to get what you want. Be frank, be demanding, be even a little selfish: you deserve to have a friend who feels about you and the friendship the same way that you feel about it. When you think about it, no matter who initiates what may be a difficult conversation to have, the end result is to get both parties on the same page about their mutual relationship. Whether you become best friends or acquaintances, or decide to part ways completely, the goal is to be able to look back on the course of the friendship, appreciate the good times and hopefully, make more of those good times.

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friend, fight, friendship, end a friendship, ending a friendship, enemy, relationships

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