Life Tips Daily

Friendships are formed and end. Sometimes the cause of the rift is huge, a defining moment that the former friends will remember for the rest of their lives, sometimes the dissolution of the friendship happens gradually, a drifting apart millimetre by millimetre, until words are not even needed to signal that the friendship is over. It is obvious.

There is a middle category, where a particular event (nothing earth-shattering, mind you) might occur, which triggers remembrance of past similar events, and finally someone decides that they do not wish to be in the relationship any longer. When the events that trigger the end of the friendship are due to a difference of opinion rather than a difference in fundamental beliefs or ethics, you may want to still hear/see/talk the person again, but as acquaintances rather than good friends. It is never easy to end a friendship, especially when the friend falls into the middle category of somebody you respect or like, but sometimes these friendships are no longer beneficial to either party. You could let the friendship drift to its eventual demise naturally, or you could be proactive and tell your friend directly. Sometimes this proactive measure could even strengthen the friendship. In the next entry, I will cover some ways to communicate the end of a friendship that is serving neither party to a friend in a way that may allow you to remain acquaintances with the person.

When you have had to end friendships, how do they usually end?

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It may seem strange to wonder how to fight, and whether or not there is a way to fight fair, but if you have ever had a fight with somebody where you found yourself acting in a way that you would say is uncharacteristic for you, or in a way that left you feeling disappointed or apalled by your own behaviour in addition to that of your antagonist, then you may find these fair fighting tactics handy:

State your point
If you have a disagreement with somebody, tell them what is causing you grief. Do not refer to past events, no matter how related they may be. Stay on topic and make it easy for the person you are in conflict with to see what you are angry about or why you are angry.

Tone is everything
No matter how close to bawling or tearing the arm off of somebody you are, be aware of the tone of voice that you are using. If you launch into your discussion in a tone that is angry, sarcastic, extremely elevated or patronizing, you are guaranteeing that your audience will tune out what you have to say, and dismiss it on account of the negative tone of voice that was used to relay the information. Instead, state evenly and calmly what you are displeased about and hopefully they will follow suit.

Take turns talking
When you’re angry, it is easy to be so focused on getting out what you want to say, that you forget that you are not in the middle of a monologue. Taking the time to hear any responses to your points might end the fight much sooner, especially in cases where the reason for the fight turns out to be due to a misunderstanding.

Stay on topic
It is very easy to go from a fight about a particular thing to a discussion of the history of the combatants’ friendship, including any transgressions along the way. It’s also not uncommon for two people with a shared history to go back and use this knowledge against their opponent. By veering off topic into a sensitive or hurtful area, you guaranteeing you will be tuned out, or become increasingly angry over the situation. Don’t participate in any mudslinging.

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Despite following these tips perfectly, sometimes you discover that you are dealing with someone who is unreasonable or irrational, and there is not a lot that you can do in that situation except hope that one day in the future, when they can no longer recell your name, they will remember how you taught them to fight fair.

What are your fair fighting tactics?

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In light of the events of this past Monday in Blacksburg, Virginia, I would like to encourage you to give generously to any funds that have been created to support the families of the victims, if you are able. As you probably noticed, 451 Press is supporting the Hokie Spirit Memorial Fund.

I’d also like you to use today to focus on all the people that you take for granted, that you assume will be there day in and day out and don’t take the time to honour and recognize. The people who make your life run that much smoother, who bring laughter to your life, emotional or financial support, a listening ear, and unconditional love. Be grateful that you are surrounded by such people. And don’t let this feeling of gratefulness and appreciation end today. Think about these people often, reach out to them and give them back some of what they have given you. And very importantly: reach out to someone who needs it and be that person who they can be grateful for.

I pray that you have someone that you can think of and be grateful for.

Who in your life are you grateful for?

Following my last entry, are you still wondering how to make living at home pleasant; not only for you but for your parents too?

Here are a couple more ways to make being an adult child in your parents’ home as enjoyable as possible:

• Maintain your independence (somewhat)
  While it’s hard to chant about your independence when your living arrangements say otherwise, you can still make sure that you take responsibility for all other aspects of your life. This means you should be the one getting yourself to and from work, buying clothing (with your own money), making your own doctor’s appointments, to name a few things. There are a few parents out there who are still treating their adult children like toddlers, and it may be tempting to sit back and enjoy it. However, by asserting your independence, you will be better off in the future (unless you plan to move your parents into your home when you move out).
• Treat your parents like friends
  It’s almost a given that if you live at home as an adult child, you get along fairly well with your parents. Instead of allowing the relationship to be based soley on the fact that you share a mailing address, befriend your parents. This doesn’t mean you start cancelling plans with your peers to spend every night with your parents but take the time to talk to them every now and again, keep the communication lines open. Go for dinner, learn to talk to each other as adults and not strictly parent and child. You may even be able to teach them something!

So, if you remember today’s two tips along with yesterday’s, you’ll be all set to live at home for as long as you want without forcing your parents to move out of the country to get you out. Happy cohabitating!

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I recently came across a report by Statistics Canada that claims that more adult children are living with their parents longer. As a 27 year old woman who still calls her parents’ home hers too, I can certainly relate.
This interesting report identified several factors that are responsible for a child’s earlier departure from the family home. These included having a non-traditional family (and the disruption that can occur from blending families), living in a large family (which is thought to promote independence faster), being of a Western culture mindset (versus an ethnic or religioius group with a focus on the family unit), being from a small town, a higher level of education (for men) and being a woman (who tend to leave earlier than their male counterparts due to marriage or for cohabitation).

When I compare some of the conclusions to my own situation, the reasons some of the factors are true for me: I had a very stable family structure so the need to “get away” from the family was never an issue. However, although I live in a large family it was not until very recently that my parents began to encourage independence with respect to living space and now I’m just thankful that they haven’t packed my bags yet and sent me on my way with a wave and a promise to write! My parents do come from a non-Western background that puts a lot of emphasis on the family unit.

For those adult children who are living at home and who want to make sure that their parents don’t change the locks on them the next time they go out, here are a few things you can do:

• By the age of 24 or 25, discuss your plans with respect to living in the family home, and the terms of this arrangement with your parents
  There is nothing magical about the ages of 24 or 25; although by this age, students pursuing post secondary education should have completed at least one degree, and future education or employment plans should be a focus.
  
  A discussion is key because it shows enormous respect to parents when their child comes to them and expresses appreciation for the support provided (room and board in exchange for chores or what is usually a nominal rental fee is a good deal) and shares the 2, 5, or (hopefully not) 10 year plan to leave the family home. Concrete plans are best, even if all the details aren’t known (”I plan to leave home by the end of summer 2008″ versus “I’ll be home for a few more years”) as it’ll give you something to strive for. A good discussion should include an offer on the part of the child to contribute something to the family, be it the doing of regular chores, payment of a rent or other contributions. The parents may reject this outright, but they will appreciate the consideration that brought their child to ask.
• Respect the family rules

  Once you’ve taken the time to include your parents in your future departure plans, you should make sure that you are aware of what is and isn’t allowed in your parents’ house. You may find that more is expected of you with respect to what you contribute to the house, but perhaps less is expected from you with regard to reporting your whereabouts. Since you are choosing (for whatever reason) to live under their house, however annoying it may be, their rules must be allowed to prevail.

• Learn what you can while you have the safety net
  One thing you will realize once you’ve moved out and are on your own, be it as a home owner or a tenant, is that there are so many things that just “get done” that you had previously never had to think about, such as leaky faucets being fixed, the lawn being mowed, or, if you’re especially spoiled, food being cooked. While your parents are performing these activities, you can be their apprentice and learn skills to store away later fo when they are required once you’re on your own.

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