Life Tips Daily

A friend of mine is happily married, but is made to feel guilty for spending time in her new home, with her new husband and her new life and not with her parents and younger sister (who still lives at home).

She has finally decided that seeing her parents once a week is sufficient, and has made every effort to make this weekly meeting on the same night every week so that all everyone involved can book that time exclusively for this. A mutual date was agreed upon, but the parents keep cancelling the date and then complaining that their daughter is unable to make time for them. My friend has suggested that another day and time be chosen, but her parents agree that this is the best time for them.

Who is at fault (if anyone)? How can my friend maintain peace in her family?

It was my father’s birthday yesterday, and when you are inching towards 60 years of age, it is quite difficult to think of something that you really and truly need. It is harder still for well meaning but self absorbed children (I have siblings; I am naturally not talking about myself) to think of gifts too.

So, if you need a gift idea for an adult who at this point in his or her life has got all that he or she needs or wants, here are some ideas:

Gift cards
Some have a real aversion to such a gift but a gift card to a favourite restaurant, especially one that the adult in your life has deemed “too expensive” is perfect. Another good thing is that older folks hate to see money wasted so if you’ve already paid for the gift card, you can be sure it will be used.

(Not so cheap) Alcohol
Again, choose a brand that is as rich or fine as your wallet will allow. This gift only works if your favourite adult is not an alcoholic (recovering or otherwise) and if they actually enjoy alcohol. If they cannot tell cooking sherry from an Australian reisling, you may want to pass on this idea.

Wearable memento
If the adult you wish to bestow a gift on wears jewelry, why not get him or her something special? A pendant engraved with his or her name and the birthday for which it was presented or the date on which he or she was born might be welcome. Or, you can add the birthstones of the children to a piece of jewelry, and present it as a group gift.

Visual memento
If you are creative and have access to pictures of your loved one’s life (before you, perhaps), why not make copies of these pictures and create a scrapbook or a photo album from the pictures. Bonus: get family members and friends to send a picture of them with the birthday boy or girl, and write a sentence or two about fond memories they have with the person and incorporate this into the scrapbook or album.

Spend that precious time with them
Your parent might not want a gift at all. All they want is to see their child more often than once a year. Why not take a week off and come and visit? Tell them you’ll do whatever they want to do while you’re there. All they may want is a listening ear. If so, you may want to take this time to record some of the memories and stories being shared. When aggravation begins to set in, think about what this person means to you and how quickly time flies and hopefully the aggravation will diminish…if not, escape for a few moments.

This last gift is truly the best gift you can give. Even if you find it a waste of your time, I guarantee that when your loved one has moved on and they are no longer in your life to drive you crazy, it will be that time spent with them that will stick out most clearly in your mind.

The title is from a song whose chorus goes:

Every life first the sun then the night falls
We’re all on borrowed time
I’ll never say goodbye
Take your time live your life like it’s last call
Don’t wanna see you cry
We’ll never say goodbye

When somebody dies we are reminded of our own mortality. We’re reminded to live every day to the fullest because we don’t know if it will be our last. It’s very scary to think that you may not live to see tomorrow, or your plans for next week, but that is the way life is (a trite answer, perhaps but a very true one).

I would like to challenge you as I challenge myself to live each day to the fullest. It is far too easy to get caught up in the full time job, the part time job, children, friends, moving from one activity to another, trying to earn more money, save more money, volunteering your time to everyone and everything, that you may not have taken any time to examine your life and see what it’s like. Do you enjoy your life? Are there moments of quiet mingled in with the bustle? If you find time to volunteer for certain causes, are you making sure that you are equally generous with your time and/or money to the friends and family around you?

Needless to say, this last point strikes a huge chord within me. I have a large family and there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not snapping at, or scrapping with at at least one of them, yet I am able to go to work and be cordial and friendly with my coworkers. I hold the door for complete strangers and smile at people I don’t know on the bus. It seems I save my very worst behaviour for my “loved ones”. If my time were to be up tonight, would I be proud of their last memory of me?

Absolutely not.

My challenge then, is to treat each day as if it were your last. Tell your loved ones that you love them-and show it! Be more generous (God has given me so much, and I’m often too busy trying to get more to actually take stock of it. Taking stock of your blessings might be the first step). Smile more. Spend more time with your family, instead of shutting them out with the television or computer.

We’re all on borrowed time.

life, death, loved ones, live your life

If you are somebody that had a small group of close friends in highschool, and kept to yourself in college or university, and lost touch with your highschool friends, it is very possible to find yourself in a situation where you are a university graduate and have no close friends. Sure, you have work colleagues, or former classmates or highschool friends that you could call up for coffee or to go shopping, but who do you call when you just want to talk? Who do you turn to when you want to talk to someone who knows your history?

Siblings and parents might be your only bet.

Today’s question is simple: If you are a shy person who finds themself friendless, how do you go about making new friends? My instinctive reply is to suggest volunteering or going back to school (to pursue a new degree/diploma) as a way of meeting new people who hopefully share similar interests, or going online to meet people who share similar interests, but unfortunately the latter option is not one that my friend is willing to consider.

What would you suggest?

friendless, no friends, making friends

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Yesterday’s Globe and Mail’s Life section included an article on frenemies, or ambivalent friends. These are the people in your lives that equally anger or frustrate and make you happy. The article gives a couple of examples of comments that frenemies may make:

Did you see Nancy Grace is pregnant at 48? Wow, I guess it’s not too late for you after all!

Having a frenemy might be something that you don’t give much thought to, but according to some in this article, keeping such people in your life is bad for your health, specifically for your heart.

Life is too short to hang on to these sorts of friends. If the net feeling from your friendship is anxiety, low self esteem and a lack of value as a person, it is time to give the friendship serious thought. Sure, your friend can be the very sweetest person alive but when you have to trade a moment of sweetness for a sly dig or insult, is it really worth it? Friends should make you happy more often than they leave you emotionally distressed. They should build you up rather than building you up only to tear you down with back handed compliments that sound ok until you replay them in your head.

I am blessed to not have any frenemies in the sense that this article describes, although I do have a friend or two who drives me nuts just as often as they make me happy. If there aren’t more good times than bad times, these friendship may need some careful examination…for the sake of my physical health!

Who in your life is being the perfect frenemy? Why do you keep him or her around? It might be time to relegate this person to acquaintance status, if not get rid of them altogether (note: I am not advocating murder!). The article includes the link to a site started by somebody who has frenemies but hasn’t yet confronted them, My Frienemies. The site defines what appears to be many different kinds of frenemies. The list of types of frenemies includes:

• Drunks
• Hostile-Aggressives
• Indecisives
• Know-It-All-Experts
• Lazys
• Liars
• Negativists
• One Uppers
• Paranoids
• Pathological Liars
• Users

Check out the site to read the definitions of these types of frenemies, or to see more categories of frenemies, and share your experiences with frenemies you have or have had in the past, if you dare.

friends, enemies, frenemies, frienemies, ambivalent friends

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Not sure if your friendship is about to end? If you experience any of the following all of a sudden, a talk with your friend is likely in order and may just save things before it all goes down the drain:

• A sudden lack of response to emails, phone calls or text messages (and you know your friend is not sick, out of the country, dead, or dealing with a complicated issue)
• Cancelling or breaking of plans or a sudden unavailability to do things (even when you tell your friend to pick the date, any date)
• Your friend does not remember any of the special dates in your life (birthdays, anniversaries) that s/he previously remembered without a problem
• You hear secrets you only told him or her in confidence coming back to you from other people
• Others know more about him or her than you do

end of friendship, friendship over, friend, friends,

Are you one of those people who has an opinion and has been known to share it, even when it’s unsolicited? Join the club! I don’t care so much about the decisions of strangers or coworkers that I am not close to, but when a friend sits me down and tells me something that I think should be handled differently, it’s all I can do not to yell “That is a terrible idea/You don’t look good in that/I think you’re crazy (stupid, disorganized, slow, boring)!!!” at the top of my lungs.

Sadly (although it would be so satisfying to let everyone know what is on the tip of my tongue just once), I wasn’t raised to yell out these inappropriate things simply because I feel like doing so. That’s right: my father taught me the art of being diplomatic.

Diplomacy is the art of being diplomatic and diplomatic? Well let’s let the dictionary do the work for us:

Diplomacy: 1 : the art and practice of conducting negotiations between nations. 2 : skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility : TACT
(Merriam-Webster Online)

Diplomatic people get their point across without ruffling feathers but if feathers are ruffled, they are done so as kindly as possible. You are still telling someone something they may not want to hear, but hopefully you’re doing it in a way that doesn’t make them feel terrible unncessarily. Instead of telling a friend her haircut and hair colour makes her look like an ageing and balding yellow rat, you may instead tell her that you think a darker colour and/or a less choppy cut and style would better suit her features. Both are true, one just says things in a much more friendly and helpful way (and hopefully prevents your friend from drowning herself that night in the bath!).

If you are struggling to keep your harsher than necessary words inside, think of the following:

Is your comment constructive?
Telling someone that their significant other sucks, their project isn’t good or that they drive poorly does not help. Instead it puts the other person on the defensive. Instead, try to give some context to your words, perhaps explaining why you have difficulty relating to their significant other, for example. Sure there may still be some defensiveness, but usually if the person can see that your motives are at least somewhat constructive, the chance of your message getting across is much greater.

What is the true reason behind your unpleasant response
Sometimes you may find that problems going on in your personal life or another problem (or, dare I say it, grudge?) with someone prevents you from responding appreopiately because you are actually angry at them for another reason. If this is the case, sort out problem A (this may mean having to tell the person that you’re angry with them because they may not even be aware of this) before providing tactless, unhelpful and undiplomatic responses to question or problem B.

Better to be silent for a spell than undiplomatic?
There is nothing wrong with taking a moment or two to formulate a reply. In fact, this is a great way to avoid saying something you either don’t mean to say or don’t want to say. Pretend the thing you want to react to is a meal that you have to fully devour before you can comment on it. Taking the time to check what comes out of your mouth is one of the best ways to ensure that your replies remain diplomatic.

I’m sure there are other tongue biting tips but these are the ones that work for me. What works for you?

biting your tongue, being diplomatic, diplomatic, diplomacy, tact

The act of forgiveness comes fairly easily to me, probably because there is some selfishness involved in forgiveness (and I invented that word!). Of course, it’s easier to forgive after receiving an apology (to learn what makes a good apology, see here), but did you know it’s possible to forgive without receiving an apology?

Why forgive? It’s good for the soul (and your health and mood)!
If you have ever been wronged, you know how awful it feels. Think back to the last really painful experience you had: did you hold a grudge? If so, how did you feel during the days, weeks and months of this grudge? If you can honestly say you experienced no negative physical or mental effects, then you’re the exception. When you’re at odds with somebody, even if you are innocent in the entire affair, the toll on you can be great: you may even feel physically ill. Your sleep might be disturbed, your thoughts may be occupied with the matter and your mood affected too. You may think it’s the situation that’s making you feel so horrible but oftentimes it’s your reaction (including grudge holding) to the situation that’s contributing to the emotional and physical effects.

And the worst part: imagine if the person you’re holding a grudge against isn’t even aware that you’re upset! That might even make you even more angry and prolong the negative effects, but hopefully this highlights why holding a grudge isn’t always a beneficial exercise.

With all these potential negative effects on you, it’s easy to see why forgiving might be the best solution: you free yourself from the physical and emotional weight that you’d be likely to experience otherwise.

What if your forgiveness is not requested?
In a perfect world, when somebody wrongs you, you’d tell them what they did (if they were not already aware), and they’d apologize. How often does that happen? Most times people want to explain why they feel justified in their actions, or they want to say how your reaction to their rude action made them mad! Some people are stubborn and would rather die than admit they made a mistake, admit they are wrong, and as a result will never apologize or ask someone to forgive them after wronging them.

If you are ever in a situation with somebody like this, you’ll be happy to know that you don’t have to hold on to the negative feelings forever: simply tell yourself that the situation happened and can’t be changed so you choose to let it go. It doesn’t mean the wrong disappears, or you become friends with the person without receiving an apology (or suitable response), but it does mean you return the power for your own happiness to yourself, and refuse to let your feelings depend on the whims of somebody who may or may not decide to ever speak to you again.

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Forgiveness does not mean you agree with the actions of the person you are forgiving, nor does it mean the person being forgiven needs to be made aware of your decision to forgive them. Forgiveness also doesn’t mean you deny what happened or forget it, but you do choose not to let it rule your life. When you choose not to harbour grudges or ill will, and instead forgive, you free yourself to enjoy life more fully.

forgiveness, forgiving, grudges, anger, forgive, grudge

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What would you do in this situation:

You loan something to a friend, no terms for the return of the item are discussed. Although you see the friend a few times, you forget to ask for the item you loaned, and the friend also forgets to give it back to you. When you finally remember that your friend has the item and you ask for it back, you come up against resistance on the friend’s part to return the item, and you can’t figure out why this is the case. You ask if anything has happened to the item and are assured that the item is fine. You offer to pick the item up and that option is rejected, as are options for the friend to drop the item off, to have a third party pick the item up from the friend, or for the friend to mail it to you.

You have emailed and called numerous times, and both are generally ignored. You also notice that you have been removed from your (former?) friend’s instant messenger and another social networking tool.

What do you do? Would you keep trying to get the item back as a matter of principle, or chalk it up as a good lesson on friendships and loaning items of sentimental value out?

As a two time bridesmaid and one time maid of honour, I feel fully qualified to impart my wisdom on all things wedding related. In all the weddings I have been involved in, I have learned far more about the friends for whom I stood up for and their friends than I ever thought possible. Yes, there is something about weddings that brings out the true characters of people and I’m sad to say that most of the time I wish these sides had never been revealed.

In this series I’d like to cover some tips for three groups of people involved in weddings. It is my hope that you will find something useful whether you are the bride, the bridesmaid or maid of honour, or a guest who happens to be a good friend of the bride.

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It makes sense that we start with the bride, since all eyes will be on her on her special day. I fully understand that being a bride is not easy, and that most brides find themselves inundated with a lot of work on top of their usually already busy schedules. One of the brides whose wedding I was a part of was finishing a master’s degree, applying for teacher’s college and bought a house in the same year; another also bought a house and was working multiple jobs. Needless to say, it is not easy to find time to plan a wedding while juggling other demands and there is also the matter of trying to save money for not only the nuptials but also a down payment on a house.

Some quick tips for brides who don’t want to worry about their bridesmaids or others plotting their demise:

Tell your bridesmaids what they need to know, and in a timely manner
A lot of brides seem to forget that although their bridesmaid may not be planning a wedding, they usually also have busy lives and schedules. This means that continually having to drop everything at the last minute might be an exercise in frustration for the bridesmaid, and will surely lead to feelings of resentment if it happens too often. To avoid this, I urge the bride to give her bridesmaids as much information about each person’s role as possible, and keep the bridesmaids regularly informed of any changes. If the bridesmaid doesn’t have to ask you for updates on things because she knows what’s going on, she will be very happy.

Don’t complain (too much)
Your bridesmaid will be delighted to hear your complaints (honestly: it’s almost a given that you will share your concerns, doubts, and worries with her, and she will attempt to reassure you to the best of her ability). Don’t abuse this by complaining about every aspect of the wedding, or you might make your bridesmaid wonder why you are even getting married if everything is so horrible. It’s understandable that you’ll need to moan about your impossible family members or the parents of your groom, your incompetent wedding planner or the scarcity of decent veils in the entire city, but please don’t turn every conversation about your wedding into a whine fest.

Know what you want
Nothing drives everyone involved with a wedding madder than an indecisive bride. If you don’t have a final decision on what you want, don’t share it with those people whose job it is to make your desires into reality. Someone whose mind is continually changing will drive everybody nuts. Take the time to discuss with the groom (and any other people whose opinion you need) what it is that you want that is not negotiable. Only when you have reached final decisions should you share these decisions with the people involved in making things happen.

Remember that other people have lives too
Weddings have a way of consuming the minds of everyone involved, the bride most of all. Try to remember, dear bride, that your friends and family still have their various concerns, hopes, dreams, to do lists, and accomplishments during this time, and try to keep up to date on what is going on in their lives, even as you’re putting your wedding together. They will appreciate knowing that you still care about them even though you’ve got your wedding to plan.

Don’t forget to acknowledge those who help you
It is customary for the bride to give her bridesmaids in particular a token of her appreciation and this is a tradition that I am quite fond of. Some brides give their bridesmaid a piece of jewelry that can be worn during the wedding; others give a personal gift that is unique to the recipient. While both are fine, I have a decided preference for the latter. As the majority of bridesmaids pay for their own dress, and the dress is usually a style and sheen that cannot be reused (though every bride hopes and declares that it can be), the piece of jewelry usually has the same problem. Instead, why not allow the bridesmaid to decide what jewelry (if any) she wants to wear, and give her tickets to her favourite concert, a gift card for her favourite store, a book she’s especially fond of or a subscription to her favourite magazine instead? And in your speech, don’t forget to thank your bridesmaids and any other people who worked behind the scenes to make your day special too!

If you remember these tips, I promise you that no cries of “bridezilla” will go on behind your back. Or to your face either.

weddings, bride, how to be a good bride, tips for the bride to be, tips for the bride

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We have all done something that was out of line, unexpected and that required an apology from us. An apology is an expression of regret for an occurrence, usually caused by the person apologizing. Apologies also involve an admission of some sort to go along wtih the expression of regret.

I have given good and bad apologies in my life and have received the same. Here are some things to keep in mind when apologizing:

Be genuine
Nothing rankles more than an apology that is not meant, that is thrown out because it was ordered. I hesitate to say “don’t apologize unless you mean it” since that means a lot of people would be waiting for a long time to hear an apology. Instead, if an apology is being “forced” or requested, think about it: if you really do not think you can apologize without the insincereity of your words slapping them in the face, don’t apologize. Save it for when tempers have cooled.

Remove ‘but’ from your apology vocabulary
Do not ever include the word “but” in an apology, especially after the apology: “I’m sorry I called you fat and ugly, but did you have to wear that pink mumu to work today?” is NOT an apology (see the first tip). If you you can’t state what you are apologizing for without implicating the person you’re apologizing to, then you may not ready to apologize. In a lot of cases, an apology with a “but” is just enough fuel to get a fight going again: “Wait, because you don’t like the way I dress you think that gives you a right to call me fat and ugly? Wow, you are really a piece of work. When you came to work last Thursday dressed like a stripper did I say anything? Nope, because I have respect for people unlike you, you…”

Offer to make amends, if possible
In some cases, you may want to ask the person you are apologizing to if there is anything you can do to make things better, or if you know what is required, you can offer to do it. This goes one step further and serves to prove the genuineness of the apology.

Do your part to avoid a repeat of the the circumstance leading to the need for an apology
Once your apology has been said and hopefully accepted, do what you can to ensure that you do not repeat the actions that led to the need for an apology in the first place. If you keep having to apologize for the same thing, no matter how genuine each apology is, it’s going to grow old and you’ll quickly lose credibility as a person of their word.
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What do you do when you want a conflict resolved but don’t want to apologize because you were honestly not at fault? Try apologizing for a part that you feel you were responsible for. For example, if you were fighting with somebody who was wrongly accusing you, and in your fervour to prove yourself right you raised your voice in anger, you can apologize for that. Sometimes your apology will bring reciprocal (yet hopefully genuine!) apologies in return.

What is your apology style?

sorry, apologize, apologise, how to apologize

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As summer approaches, the chances of having far-flung friends and family calling to let you know that they will be in your area sometime in the next few months is high. For most people, this means there will be an expectation that you will at least offer your home, apartment or closet as a place for your friend or family member to rest his/her/their head(s). If only the responsibility as a host(ess) ended there! Whether you are the host(ess) or houseguest this summer or both, here are some tips to make the visit pleasant for all involved: today and tomorrow we will focus on the responsibilities of a good host(ess), and Thursday and Friday we’ll look at some tips to be a good houseguest.

If you will be entertaining some guests this summer (or anytime for that matter) I strongly suggest you consider the following:

Take time off for your guest, and make sure they are aware of when this time is
It is easy for a potential houseguest, especially one that has not visited in some time, to assume that the host(ess) will not only be sitting at home preparing for the visit, but will also have absolutely no plans other than spending time with her when they arrive! As sad as it will be to crush your houseguest’s hopes, when today’s busy schedules (which multiply when children and their many activities are added to the mix) are considered, your houseguest will be lucky if you’re at home when he arrives! Good host(ess) that you are, however, this will not have to be a serious concern of your houseguest. Instead, arrange to be home, certainly when the guest is due to arrive, and also at least some of the time that your guest will be staying with you. You may want to take the first day or two off, or save the one on one time for the end of your houseguest’s stay. Either way you do it, your guest will appreciate it. It is also important, before your guest arrives, to make sure she is aware of what committments will remain a part of your schedule while she is visiting. This way, there are no false expectations.

Provide an area for houseguests to claim as their own (for the duration of their stay)
Whether it’s a fold up cot in the livingroom, or the computer room turned into a guest room, your guests will appreciate having a space in your home where they can call home-temporarily. Ideally this would be a separate room but even if it’s a foldout sofabed, arrange things so that your guests can use this area as if it were their bedroom for their stay, and keep their luggage and other belongings with them in this space. It may not be the most comfortable arrangement for a host or hostess used to having full run of the house, but it would mean a lot to most houseguests to have their own area.

Make your guest feel special with a care package
Sure you’re not a hotel, but you can out-hotel the hotel if you think about it. Most hotels provide towels, soap and other toiletries for guests, but have to keep the provisions fairly general because they do not often know the age, sex or likes and dislikes of the next guest using the room. Here is where you can out-hotel the hotel! You know your guest, you know whether (for example) they hate scented products, or love the scent of vanilla, or never ever wear robes or love trashy magazines or crossword puzzles. If you are able to, you can provide all these things that would make the stay that much more pleasant for your guest-be it an extra blanket for someone who is always cold or some bottles of water in the room of a guest who is always thirsty at night. A lot of things that make people comfortable are very inexpensive and if you can provide some of these, your houseguest will remember your hospitality long after they’ve returned to their own home. The nice weather also allows you to take advantage of fresh seasonable blooms to add some cheeriness to rooms).

Tune in tomorrow for four more guest-pleasing tips!

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houseguests, entertaining, visitors, summer guests, host, hostess, home

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At some point or other in your life, you have probably been envious of a friend or stranger due to their possession of something you don’t have. This could be material possessions (car, house, new sneakers or wardrobe), personality traits you desire (organization, empathy, friendliness) or maybe someone managed to find the perfect man or woman for them and they are floating around you on their cloud of love, while you’re looking into your love-less past, your love-less present, and what seems to be your love-less future, trying not to lose hope that you too will find the special person for you.

(All these are hypothetical situations, naturally.)

Envy can make you seethe and simmer with strong emotions that leave you feeling miserable. It can make you lash out at people who are genuinely puzzled because they cannot determine what they did to set you off (and if they ever discover that you resent them for being themselves, you’re toast). If not acknowleded and controlled, envy can ruin important relationships in your life.

Instead of giving all the power to envy, force yourself to look at aspects of your own life that others would be envious of, and don’t shortchange yourself: sure, you might not be as artistic as a friend who just received a lucrative contract to paint a mural for a movie star, but you can write, or perhaps you’re a good listener or a fantastic friend. Or maybe you have a savings account with money in it, or you had a happy childhood and a fantastic family life. Even if you don’t have any comparable talents, focus on something about yourself that you like: your ability to make somebody laugh, your ability to brew the perfect cup of coffee, your fashion sense. Focus on the things that make your life good and worth living, and realize that someone out there might be envying you.

Rarely does envy go one way: while you’re busy admiring your coupled up friend, he’s probably envying you your freedom to do what you want and when, without considering the opinoins of any other. Envy is a two-way street.

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The title is a bit presumptuous, perhaps: first off, how do I know you’re not already friendly enough? What about the assumption that someone who’s friendly either wants something or is hiding something? While these are possible conclusions to draw from someone who seems to be always smiling, or happy, being friendly is something that benefits everyone, as long as it’s genuine.

By being happy or friendly, you can inspire others to respond in kind. Try this experiment: at the next elevator you approach, or the next door you come to, let someone else go ahead of you. If, after five times you don’t receive a thank you or a smile, or both, I’d be surprised. Now try the opposite: wait for others to open the door, then slip through, rush to enter the elevator when it opens, regardless of who is closer to the door. Compare the reactions or tensions of the people around you: if they are the same as in the first experiment, then you can stop reading now.

A simpler experiment is to smile at someone, as you pass them on the street, or when you are in line with them. I have found that the majority of people will return the smile with an answering smile, and some will even make the first move and greet you. This happened to me several times over the last few days in a town where I didn’t know anybody. Imagine the kind of response I’d get in my office building or in my neighbourhood.

It is important to be genuine in your expressions of happiness/friendliness. While it’s true that if you don’t really mean your smile, a stranger might not notice, but if you do mean it, it will surely be wider and more natural to you. Smiling and laughing have been linked with the release of feel good compounds, endorphins, by the body, so you and the person receiving your smile benefit.

Being friendly and happy does not mean that your life is perfect, or that you’re hiding something: it simply means that you have chosen not to concentrate on those aspects of life that make you want to strangle yourself or the next person you see. Instead, your focus is off those less pleasant items and rather on things that make you happy.

Here are some ways to be a friendlier and happier person:
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In the last entry, I suggested that if you decide to end a friendship, it is possible to do so without turning a former friend into an enemy. This assertion comes with two caveats:

■ the friendship isn’t being ended over a major issue that is considered unforgiveable by one or both parties, such as a difference in morals or core beliefs, an unforgiveable insult or an abusive (physically or mentally/emotionally) relationship

■ you could let the friendship drift away eventually, over years, but have decided that you’d like to be more proactive.

In the latter case, it might seem cruel to make a point of ending the friendship outright, but consider this: if your friendships are well defined, this actually makes it easier for both parties. You won’t be guilty of expecting too much or too little from somebody, nor they from you. You can spend your energy nurturing the friendships that deserve the title, and spend minimial time on relationships that are really more acquaintances than anything.

It sounds a bit cold, I’ll admit, but I’m firmly in favour of knowing where you stand in someone’s eyes, and I have a personal example to explain why:

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