Life Tips Daily

Over on my personal blog, I have been known to gush about my wonderful friends. I am perhaps overthinking why I have such great friends, instead of being glad for them and hoping they don’t realize they have befriended someone who might not be worth it. Anyway, before they figure that out, I’ve come up with some habits of good friends and perhaps I can put one or two of these into practice sooner rather than later.

Looking for tips on being a better friend? Read on!

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Please accept my apologies for my disappearance from this here site. I have been having eye issues, in particular my right eye. I am almost 100% so I must get back to providing and learning some life tips from you. Thanks for your patience and I hope you’ve been doing well.

Speaking of apologies, remember this entry early in the year? Well I have an update!

I did not know that this person even read my personal blog anymore and when she came upon my latest entries about house hunting and a 5K race that I will be running/walking, she felt compelled to email me again and wish me luck on both endeavours. That triggered an exchange of emails and we’re planning to meet for a meal in the near future. I think the resulting friendship may even end up being stronger than what it was before because we will have fought for it.

When a fight breaks up a relationship it’s sometimes a lot easier to say “To hell with him or her, I don’t need them”, and maybe you truly believe this, and maybe it’s even true. That is how I felt back when the situation happened. But sometimes you’re given an opportunity to change your original reaction and if you see something worth salvaging, you should take the opportunity and run with it. I’m glad we both have and I look forward to this new friendship.

If you’re a female seeking a man to love and think you may be doing something that prevents you from meeting the right sort of partner and entering into relationships that are meaningful and long-lasting, here are three books you should consider reading.

Not Tonight Mr. Right by Kate Taylor
The purpose of this book is to convince the female reader that she doesn’t have to have sex early in a relationship in order to secure it. In fact, the book suggests that not having sex so soon is a good way to ensure that the relationship that develops is based on something other than sexual compatibility (which is important but not the only thing necessary to have a good relationship). According to the book, it’s possible to wait until marriage before having sex (although the book does not make a statement that one should wait that long if they are not inclined to do so). If you’re curious whether it’s possible to have a fulfilling relationship and not introduce sex into the equation so early, this book’s answer is a resounding “Yes!”.

Ever wondered Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You? Maybe you’re not looking in the right places…literally! This book, written from a male perspective (J.M. Kearns) suggests places where women can meet Mr. Right, and also takes the reader carefully through the world of online dating. If you’re ready to put aside your preconceived notions about where people can meet (and yes, bars and the gym are viable locations) and ready to step outside your comfort zone then you will learn a lot from this book.

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A smart woman that I met late last year when I was feeling particularly uncreative and uninspired told me that she believes strongly that people meet for a reason, and sometimes just for a season. I’ve always thought that when you meet someone, find some common points and become friends, as long as the mutual like and respect remains, your friendship has to grow deeper, and if that means you have to work hard to make this happen, so be it.

However recent events have me having second thoughts. Maybe it is possible for someone to come into your life for a brief period of time and accomplish what they were meant to do in your life—give you a new perspective on life, answer a question that has been plaguing you for ages, support you at a time where you feel that nobody around you is there for you. Maybe these fleeting friendships aren’t meant to get any deeper. And most important, if that is the case, that is ok.

If you are faced with such a case, where you felt a need to reach out to someone going through a rough time despite that person not being your usual “friend material”, or if you are touched by somebody who doesn’t seem interested in being anything more than acquaintances, I encourage you to hold on to the lesson you have learned from the person. Long after you’ve forgotten the name of the person who believed in you enough to sponsor you, or the coworker who always asked you how you were doing, the memories of how their presence improved your life will remain. You won’t always be able to remain close friends with everyone despite your very best intentions, and sometimes, a deep friendship isn’t the goal. Keep the lesson close to you, and you may be able to be there for someone else, be it for a season or for a lifetime.

It’s one thing to let yourself down, but what do you do when you let someone else down?

No matter how hard you try to please everyone, it is inevitable that somebody will feel treated by you in a way that makes them feel less than stellar. Just like when you let yourself down, you can’t allow a single incident to define you as a person. Instead, pick yourself up and do the following:

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Your friend is dating a new guy, and has been for a few months. You have met him and thought he seemed nice from this first meeting.

However, you were recently out of town and while you were out of town you saw him making out with another woman. You are 100% sure that it was him. You are also certain that he did not see you.

Some questions:

1. Would you tell your friend?
2. Would you let him know that you saw him and tell him to confess to your friend?
3. If you decided to tell your friend, how would you deal with a friend who is adamant that it was not her boyfriend, that you’re seeing things and trying to ruin her relationship out of jealously?

Let’s hear what you have to say!

If you’re curious about my answers, they’re below:
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There is no place more than the dating field, where clichéd phrases are heard. Much like the pick up lines that make you roll your eyes, some dating profiles are so unimaginatively dull that you wonder if the profile owner truly expects to get results from it!

If you want to avoid writing a profile full of clichés, avoid the following phrases:

“Looking for…”

• …Love - unless the dating site is for non-romantic encounters, this is redundant
• …My prince/princess - you can truly be looking for it, but putting it in a profile makes people think of fairytales and life is no fairytale!
• …My knight in shining armour - see above
• …My queen - see above

One of the biggest problems with the above is
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Today’s topic is: Injecting your personality into your profile

Online dating is tough enough without pretending to be somebody you aren’t. Here are some ways you can write your profile so that people get the idea that it’s a unique person on the other side:

• Write the way you speak: perhaps you have a tendency to be serious, witty, self deprecating (hopefully not too much!). Share that aspect of who you are by the way you write your profile.
• If you have a sense of humour or style of wit, don’t be afraid to share it! Sure, you may turn some people off but the people who find it appealing will likely be the sort of person you’re looking for.
• Share a short anecdote about an experience you had that put you out of your element. Looking back, these stories are often funny and provide additional insight into the type of person you are. Perhaps you, super casual by nature, went to your first formal event and had not yet mastered heels. What happened next?

Basically, in order to stand out from all the other people putting their profiles online, you need to do all you can to come across as a real person, and by no means typical. After all, you’re looking for someone special for you, not someone who could be with anyone! And this is why you should avoid clichéd phrases. I’ll share some phrases that are overdone in the online dating world tomorrow.

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This is the fourth part of this series. Please see the following parts for more information:

Part I
Part II
Part III

Today, we’re going to look at being honest about who you are and what you want online. As mentioned before, a good (written) first impression is key: sure you have your unbelievably irresistible picture on display, but many people want some substance with their looks so you should be prepared to stun “on paper” too.

Although the enormous degree of annonymity possible on the internet might be tempting for some, if you’re looking for a lasting relationship, do your part and be honest. There is a difference between being honest and making your life into an open book; it’s possible to be honest without telling every last detail of your life. If you are asked something that you do not want to divulge, you can honestly say “I’m sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that with you now/ever.” A general rule is if you think your answer will affect the person’s opinion or impression of you in an important way, it’s best to share it.

If you’re being honest, you should expect the same from people you deal with. One way to ensure you get what you want is to be clear about what you are looking for: if you are looking for a short term physical (only) relationship, do not advertise that you’re looking for something longterm, and vice versa. If you do, you’re responsible for the sorts of responses you get! If things change, that is fine, but don’t lead someone to think they are getting together with somebody who wants the same things they do, if in fact that isn’t the case.

One way that the internet is a lot easier on our egos than reality is you can scan dozens of profiles and reject them without being seen by the person, which is so much nicer than being in a club and seeing someone’s eyes scan over you and move quickly on to the next person.

So, be honest about who you are and what you value, and write a profile that gets across who you are and what you want accurately. Tomorrow we’ll look at the importance of injecting your profile with some personality.

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This is the third part of this series. Please see the following parts for more information:

Part I
Part II

Yesterday, I promised to go into detail about what makes an online dating profile stand out. We’ll look at the first two today:

• Using proper grammar and English (or language that you are communicating in)
• Using spell check

Using proper grammar and English (or language that you are communicating in)
I hate to say this but it is my experience that women are far more likely to judge someone based on their grammar and their command of the English language than men. If I am wrong, please direct me to this one male paragon and I will marry him immediately. I’ll even do dishes and clean the toilets too! If he has an accent too, all the better!

Just as body language can lead you to “say” something other than what is coming out of your mouth, the quality of your writing is important too. It gives the reader clues to the type of person you are in areas such as your attention to detail, and an indication of your education level or intelligence.

Here are some grammatical errors that should be avoided:
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First I tell you what kinds of pictures to post. Then I tell you what kind of information to disclose. On day 3 of this online dating focus, we will look at your online dating profile.

You’ve chosen a couple of pictures of yourself: one is a full body shot of you looking your natural, everyday best, one is of you dressed up, if you wish. Any other pictures you add help to show off your character (and hopefully do not give “is a psycho” vibes)-perhaps a picture of you doing a sport or activity you enjoy, hanging out with friends, having fun. All pictures you’re sharing are less than a year old, and do not depict a version of you that differs significantly with respect to hair length/distribution on your head, or your body weight. Perfect.

Along with the visual impression you’re giving your captive audience, you want them to get a better pictures of who you are (because you’re so much more than a pretty face, right?). How can you establish this? Some of the topics I will be discussing tomorrow are:

• Using proper grammar and English (or language that you are communicating in)
• Using spell check
• Being honest about who you are and what you want
• Injecting your personality into your profile
• Not relying too much on clichéd phrases

In yesterday’s post, ways in which one can misrepresent themselves online by their photos were discussed. Feel free to check these five areas here. Today’s focus is on important information that people sometimes fail to disclose. These things do not have to be discussed during the first few conversations but once it is apparent that there is something worth pursuing, be it friendship or a relationship, the following are areas where a frank and honest disclosure is best given voluntarily.

Your marital status
In your author’s perfect world, only singles would be trying to make (love) connections online. However, that is not the case: some married folk and people in (monogamous but unmarried) relationships are not above seeking someone else while still involved with another person. If you are the one who is not quite single, share your marital status frankly, and let the person decide if they can handle it. If you aren’t sure whether your new acquaintance is married, ask, knowing that there is no guarantee that you’re getting an honest reply.

If you’re going through a divorce or messy breakup, you may want to wait until the latter stages of this process before throwing yourself into online dating-if anything it’ll simplify your online status anyway!

Financial situation
Money is very powerful, capable of making and breaking human relationships. While you wouldn’t want to flash your bank account balance to anyone who “pokes” or “winks” at you online, or sends you an instant message, if you have problems with money, these should be laid out sooner rather than later. If you are in a lot of debt and therefore will not be able to go on expensive dates, make that clear from the beginning. It’ll save you the anxiety of the first date and what to do if an expensive restaurant is chosen, or if you’re expected to pay the full bill.

On the topic of money, don’t take advantage of somebody else’s financial situation: if you happen to meet somebody who seems
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If you suffer from insecurity, it can be hard to present yourself online in a positive and attractive light. There are a number of ways to resolve self esteem issues but in the meantime, if you will be posting a profile online, perhaps on a social networking site or a dating site, avoid the following, lest you be accused of misrepresenting yourself online.

PROFILE PHOTOS

Posting headshots only
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Sure, some people can’t get away with posting a headshot that doesn’t reveal that they have a wide face with a number of chins but some know that if they tilt their head just so while snapping a picture, said chins disappear. So they take a bunch of photos in this classic pose and the result can be shocking to someone who sees you without the head tilt.

Posting artist headshots
What is worse than only providing headshots in your profile picture? So called “artistic” headshots, that’s what! These are the shots that have been photoshopped to remove all facial blemishes, from crows feet to moles to forehead lines, leaving a person that looks somewhat unreal. Or, every picture is given a sepia or black and white tone, blurred a bit, with colour added only to specific parts of the picture. There is no need for you to provide a picture of how you would like your potential beloved to see you; let them see the real you and they can picture the artistic rendering of you they prefer, on their own.

Using old pictures
Some post a full body picture, displaying a fairly attractive body…45lbs ago! Now tell me: what is the point of this? Unless you have a miracle diet that will whisk 45lbs off your body when needed, why not post a current picture? Don’t post pictures of a physical representation of you that even your mother would have a hard time identifyng! If you’ve lost most of your hair, don’t display a picture of the last time you had a full head of hair-12 years ago!

Dressing your formal best
It’s nice to post a picture or two of you looking your absolute best. Perhaps you were a groomsman or bridesmaid in a wedding and you cleaned up really well. Share that picture. But also be sure to post pictures of you in jeans and a t-shirt, a picture of you doing something you enjoy doing, looking very natural. This is likely how you will be seen most of the time anyway should the relationship move offline, so give potential love/lust interests a good idea of who they will be meeting.

Posting someone else’s photo
This last one is an obvious “don’t”. If you are trying to meet people online, you need to post pictures of you. It’s the right thing to do.

In a perfect world, the right person for you would come floating or strolling along your path, your eyes would meet and after an appropriate time, a lovely wedding would take place, with you and your chosen one as the stars of the show. However, what has just been described is not a regular or likely occurrence (sorry), and sometimes, instead of eyes meeting across a beautiful field, you meet in rather unlikely places.

The following are places where people have met the loves of their lives:

At school
Perhaps you ended up being laboratory partners by accident, or ended up behind each other in a lineup at the cafeteria. Maybe you both went to the professor at the same time to ask a question, and the prof ended up suggesting that the two of your pair up as study buddies. Whatever the circumstances, matches made in school have the benefit of ensuring that you have some things in common (course of study, or other interests if you meet outside of class).

At a club
This is every parent’s nightmare but I know two couples that have been together for over six years, and both couples are married! To each other! Clubs are notorious for not being the best place to meet someone you are interested in a longterm relationship with: some go to clubs to make out-or more-with random strangers, while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, in some cases. However, it is possible to triumph. Think about it: if you go to clubs and you’re not such a bad person, why can’t someone of the opposite sex who is also not a bad person be at the same club? And why can’t she approach you at the bar? Makes sense, right?

On the bus (public transportation)
I was told a cute story of a girl whose eyes met with a guy’s at the back of the bus. He apparently smiled and said hello to her. She smiled back but didn’t speak, thinking that he talks to girls on the bus all the time. He took her for a snob for not responding. A couple more encounters at their place of worship convinced her that maybe he wasn’t so bad after all and they got married exactly five days ago so I guess the bus is as good a meeting place as any!

Through an ex-significant other
I know someone who dated a guy for a couple of weeks and ended up marrying this guy’s friend…who she had actually known before she dated the ex. In fact she met her ex through her husband! Crazy but true.

Matchmaking mamas
Mothers who were childhood friends who had lost touch reunited and told their children that their best friend forever’s (BFF’s) child was worth getting to know. For once, perhaps, both children listened, and within a year they had married and relocated so they were in the same country. Thirteen years later they are still married with two children.
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This is why putting your best foot forward is always a good idea-you never know who you might run into in the laundromat, grocery store or even at a used book store! Keep your eyes opened if you’re looking for love.

Last week’s dilemma involved the fine line between being interfering and being a concerned friend. As Amanda’s comments showed, there may be layers to the situation that need to be examined. This week’s dilemma is not so complex in my view.

Vicky’s roomate, Linda, is dating a guy (Darnell) who shows all the classic signs of being a cheater. Lisa and Darnell have been dating for two years and in this time they have never spent any holidays together, other than a couple of hours when he stops by her apartment to give her a gift. They have one picture together. Here’s the kicker: they live in the same city!

Whenever Linda and Darnell make plans to go away for the weekend, or for her to meet his family (who live in town), or for him to meet her mom (who lives out of state and only visits once or twice a year), something always comes up, Darnell is unable to be where he’s supposed to be, and plans are cancelled.

On top of all this, Vicky was told by a mutual friend that Darnell was seen with a young child who looks a lot like him. This may be weak evidence but surely when put with all the rest it supports the thesis that Darnell is cheating on Linda?

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